In summary and conclusion of those horrible things that happen to us, we tend to stay up at night, asking questions, blaming, directing our intense and unending disappointment at the ones that let us down. It is blind to us that our decisions to take a risk, our choice of living life with all its pain, can and often does result in these places we find ourselves in. But blame serves only to kill us faster. We will never fully understand why do horrible unnecessary situations happen to us, just when we are at our weakest? How can those that Love us, those that Love us beyond our own imagination, how can they set out to destroy us in order to stay stagnated in what they know?. How indeed.
Why is history full of people that create needless pain to those they Love? Or is it needless or a lesson we have failed to learn in a previous life. How do they continue living the way they are living whilst we obsess, long for and demand their presence, even though all they do is lie?. How do they make daily life a way of normalized suffering, ordinary suffering, that seems normalized daily living to the disconnected? Why is it, that simple situations kill us repeatedly? And most of all, why do people lie at all? Has lying ever made life easier for anyone?. No it has not.
Why, over days, weeks, months and years, did the woman I love keep up the war against who she was and who she loved – Why?. Nobody knows. 1000’s of why’s and hundreds of lies and nobody still knows. But hold on a sec. I declare to know why. I said, I know why! Nobody knows why. That is why.
Some people take a long time to grow old. I took a very very long time to wake up to the fact that I was taking a very very long time to die. In many ways, my naivety saved my life. I now no longer want to remember that I ever met her, only to let the pain of longing, the only pain that matters, the pain that is the root for all pain, the suffering of being separated from each other. Deletion is my only source of relief from living. If I am living. Why am I living still? Nobody knows.
Will the soul I joined my very life to, ever face the fact that she destroyed that which she loved? . I cannot rewrite the facts in order to keep the delusion that she wanted the best for me alive. She wanted me dead in her life, not dead per say, just not alive in her life. And who could blame her?. After all, who among us likes unexpected changed to the status quo when we can barely summon the energy to live the current lie?. Nobody. The hardest aspect of the loss is the needlessness of it. Then again, I am but one of millions to think such a thought. The rewrites turned to rewrites turned to rewrites until a small lie was closer to the truth then the actual truth itself. At this point, I hardly remember how she looks at all. I never thought that possible. I also cannot remember how she speaks, the scent of her skin, the softness of her lips is simply alien to any part of my memory. I loved her. I wanted to Love her and I cared not about the consequences because they paled in comparison to not loving her. I am not ashamed of that and I was never ashamed of her the same way she was truly ashamed of me. She certainly wasn’t proud to Love me, or proud of the fact that she loved me. This I do know. Will she ever simply start to tell the truth, not just about me, but about all that has gone on in her heart. Nobody knows.
How did we come this far, down the road, the dark road, where daily obsession and suffering and pain is the new normal? How is that easier then changing our lives and accepting reality?. Nobody knows. Will she ever go back to that brief second in time when she allowed herself to breath? Will she ever get over the regrets, the guilt and eventually the sorrow of how she eradicated that which she loves from her life?. Will she ever see that there is a direct connection between her lies and ALL the suffering both of us went through.These are facts void of blame. Her lies started the mania. Her lies energized the already crazy situation that we were experiencing. We could have just about handled the changes needed to honor the internal changes went through – if we grasped the truth. But her lies made it impossible. Totally unbearable. Her lies. Not mine. Why? Nobody knows.
But I was wrong when I loved her and wrong when I went to her and wrong when I reminded her that she loved me. I really was. She was neither interested, capable or willing to live her life and begin to love herself. I should never have went to her, neither in the winter of her life nor the summer – it was wrong. I underestimated her ability to totally fucking destroy me, just as she underestimated her ability to remain silently in the battlefield of her heart. I was always wrong. I am always wrong. In the same way, she is always lying and always defending. She was always lying and I am always wrong. And nobody knows why I was always wrong. And nobody will ever know why she is always lying. And why are we always wrong? Nobody knows.
She got her way (in the end). It was as disappointing to her as it was to the birds on the trees and of course, to me. None of us got what they needed anyhow. Her simple way to make me her every day nobody failed. (A secret matters to nobody that knows not of it…obviously). Everybody that makes up the delusions of her life, they will never know that the nobody she loved ever existed. Why did I need to be her nobody in order to support the fact that she made herself into a nobody to please everybody?. In pleasing everybody we become a nobody. Nobody knows it until they find somebody to Love that does not belong in the nobody world they live in. If they had become the somebody they were born to be, then the nobodies in their current life wouldn’t even exist. It matters not though now. Nobody knows and nobody cares and nobody will hear of about us again.
In conclusion, the separation that is this broken story, this chapter, this unreadable, untenable tale of consistent madness, this is the saddest shit that ever happened to this world. It simply represents every mundane and terrible ending of every bad movie, every disappointed soul, it gives an already horrible world more reason to remain horrible and vile and boring. It fuels all horrible stories and makes the world we live in just a little bit more predictable. The magic we had became the sand on an endless beach. This story, this Love affair and the lies and suffering that flourished out of it, it is the opposite of the sea, of all the art that moves us. It is the exact opposite of hope, the opposite of God and Love and life itself. And for what? That is the worst of all. For what?. And why?. Nobody knows. Nobody cares. There was Love and then there was none. There was souls and then there was large black holes. There was magic, and of course, there is magic in this life, and it can last such a long time if we accept it as magic. Love. That is magic in itself. Why else would we risk our very lives for it?. Because it reminds us that nobody knows. Nobody knows that we existed and now, nobody cares. When does an end become ‘The End’. Nobody knows.
Written during Christmas, 2015